13 signs that your partner could be financially unfaithful
Infidelity in a relationship reveals itself in different ways. Infidelity can be physical, emotional and yes, it can be financial. Financial infidelity is quite common and can be as simple as lying to your partner about the price of something to spending on an addiction. Or it could be a sign of financial abuse. It’s not a simple issue. Like emotional infidelity, there are degrees of unfaithfulness, I guess. For example, I don’t always tell my husband the exact price of something I buy. I’m not sure if that’s necessary. However, that being said, as I’ve researched money disorders and worked as a financial therapist I have come to understand that usually honesty in all things financial is best. I’ve just said to Pete that sometimes I just want to buy some clothes or whatever without giving him every detail of every bit of money I spend and he feels the same. It’s called trust. Talking about emotional infidelity, we both have male and female friends who we catch up with for a coffee, drink, lunch. So, the question is, at what point is a flirtation emotional infidelity and at what point is a lie about money or a lie about money by omission financial infidelity? I think that this is a very personal question and really depends on the boundaries within your own relationship. However, I would say there are 13 signs that your partner could be financially unfaithful, these are
- Your partner will not have a money talk
- Your partner will not share their credit score
- Your partner hides bank statements and keeps investments hidden
- You find bank statements for an account or credit card that you didn’t know about
- Cash goes missing
- Your partner is very controlling about who pays the bills that is, they do
- Your partner becomes defensive when talking about money (this could also be an indication of a money anxiety)
- Your partner often hides shopping, lies about the cost of items or consistently appears in outfits or has new stuff that you didn’t know about
- Your partner doesn’t tell you the real cost of things
- Your partner will not tell you how much they earn or what they own
- Your partner gaslights you
- Your partner shows addictive behaviour around something
- Your partner is overly interested in the mail and bills seem to go missing or not ‘arrive’
What do you do if one or a few of the above signs exists in your relationship? Have a read of my article on money talks. Start having these talks with yourself and get your own money life in order. The link is here money talks
Then ask your partner to start having money talks and see what happens. Do they become defensive? Do they become angry with you? Or are they willing to at least start talking about money?
The big thing is to look after yourself. Look after yourself physically. Are you safe? Is there abuse elsewhere in your relationship? How are you looking after your body, your mind and your psyche?
A final word on gaslighting
Gaslighting is talked about more lately and can literally drive you mad. The term came from the title of a 1944 movie starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. The movie is called Gaslight. I’ve been gaslighted and it’s horrible.
Gaslighting is a psychological form of manipulation and abuse. Gaslighting occurs when a person or persons makes you question your own reality. Sometimes people do it consciously and sometimes people you love gaslight you without even being conscious they are doing it. The best defence against gaslighting is getting to know yourself and learning to look after yourself. Learning to trust your own feelings, gut instincts and intuition. Where to start? Start with money. Looking at your money and money behaviours has a way of targeting your thoughts and actions. Where are you spending your money? What food do you buy? How are you looking after your body? It’s a really grounding process. Also, if you can, get help and talk to a trusted friend. If you are the partner or child of an addict, and addicts are usually gaslighters, Al Anon or Ccodependents Anonymous are really useful 12 step support groups (and they are free). See the links below.
Some places to find help or more information.
Talking about money can be really hard. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I’ve listed some organisations and websites below that could provide you with further support and information.